Why Can't I Be You?  

Here we are huddled in our little cubicles like lab rats. Sometimes I wonder if it’s only me who feels like the walls are caving in, the spaces getting closer. Sometimes I feel so claustrophobic I imagine what it would be like to run through the office tearing off my shirt and tie screaming obscenities. Am I that odd? Why can’t I be that guy on the other side of the floor? There he sits at his work station, his eyes always alert and on the lookout for some pert young thing to pounce on with his lascivious stares. He seems happy and content with his life. Always flashing a smile, always neat, his clothes pressed to perfection, the crease on his pants legs sharp as a knife edge. All that thanks to his wife. Yeah, the guy’s married. She’s a real catch. Mabait, matalino, maalaga, malalim, maganda. Which is why I can’t figure out why the hell her husband is screwing the boss.

Our VP isn’t really the most attractive woman. She’s tough, and she scares a lot of the guys here because she can be very abrasive, but she’s dedicated to the work. I’ve always thought that she seemed a little lonely. All she does is work. Literally. She’s here before everyone else, and she’s here after everyone else has left. I think that if anyone ever bothered to get to know her they’d find that underneath that tough-as-nails exterior, is a human being just like everyone else, that she’s probably had her fair share of pain too, and that she probably rubs everyone the wrong way because doesn’t know how else to deal with it. But like I said, she just gets on everyone’s nerves. Even mine. Hell! Basta, ang sungit n'ya talaga!

My office mate recently got a promotion. I guess we all know how that happened. Not that anyone ever says anything about it. Everyone just smiles and acts all nonchalant about the whole thing, but when the boss is out of the room, they all whisper behind the cover of their hands. As if it justifies what they do, as if they don’t get hurt themselves when they hear that someone else has been gossiping about them. Their giggles echo all the way over to the coffee maker and water cooler. It makes me sick.

That guy. Now, he’s all bossy and shit. He makes the other people feel like the work they do isn’t worth crap. I used to go outside with him on smoke breaks. We weren’t very close, but he was one of the few I actually looked up to. He’s very driven and ambitious, and that’s something I wanted to emulate.

I remember the night of our Christmas Party. He had this look in his eyes that positively reeked of predator. He was staring at our VP so hard I felt like he’d burn a hole in her dress. So I asked him, “Bro, bakit ganun ang tingin mo kay ma’am?”

He replied, “Wala lang, trip ko siya bakit?”

I was silent for a few seconds. In my head I was ranting. Man, what’s wrong with you? Yan ba ang ipapalit mo sa asawa mo? Fuck! Your wife’s amazing. She doesn’t deserve that shit. Who the hell in his right mind would cheat on a woman who makes Paella the way your wife does? And then I realized, hell, my dad did. He did it to my mom countless times, over and over. And he never knew that she knew, that she’d lie awake at night in their room, the one right next to mine. I don’t think she knew that I heard her, that the stabbing pains I felt in the pit of my stomach as I listened to her sobbing into her pillow never totally went away. I still carry antacids with me wherever I go.

Basta ganun na nga. So I just told him, “It’s up to you man.” And it all started there. He told me to mind my own business. He now acts all high and mighty, as all jerks who think they’re god’s gift to mankind will act. No more yosi breaks together. His wife still makes him a lunch pack 4 days out of the week. I say hello to her whenever I pass her on the street. She always has a smile for me, and tells me to take better care of myself. She always seems to glide off as she walks away, as if the story she’s in is one where happy endings really do happen. I feel bad for her. And I feel bad for our VP too. No matter what she’s like at work, she doesn’t deserve that shit either.

Parang nawala nalang ako. Ang labo ‘no? I just shut my big fucking mouth and work in silence. Yeah, that’s me. Everyday when I see him, I ask myself, “Bakit kaya may mga taong katulad niya? Taong katulad ng Dad ko.” Sometimes the thought crosses my mind too: “Why can’t I be you?” And then I remember, ayaw ko nga pala. But I never do anything, never say anything to make a difference anyway. So does that make me, in fact, more like him than I’m willing to admit? You tell me.