i'm still here : a conversation.  

J has calmed down considerably (see previous post). Now that she seems like she's more rational, the calls are actually something I look forward to. They don't call every night any more. Ok lang naman yan sa akin. Umabot na kasi sa point na hindi na ako lumalabas sa gabi para lang siguradong andito ako sa bahay kapag tumawag nga sila. Hindi naman sa naiinis na ako sa kuya ni J, o kay J mismo, dahil biglang nagbago ang mga schedule ko dahil sa mga tawag nila. Hindi rin naman ako nagrereklamo kapag sinisigawan na ako ni J (oo, kung minsan sinisigawan n'ya rin ako dahil siguro sa frustrations n'ya sa mga tao o kaya sa sarili n'ya). I really don't mind. I understand that she's just scared, and that she probably feels really alone right now. So I just let her shout at me. After she's done doing that, she always apologizes anyway.

But, yes, she's calmed down. She seems (sounds) like she's doing much better. One of our recent talks made me think a lot about my own life. It's funny the way that happens sometimes. Sometimes something that seems like such a small thing makes you stop and think about your own life, makes you take stock.

I had been out the night we had that conversation. They weren't supposed to call that night, and I wanted to take that opportunity to just get out of the house for a while. And it had been a while-- since I'd gone out, I mean. So naturally, I got rather drunk. I don't remember how many beers I had. I only know that I got home early. Well...pretty early for me anyway. It was just after 1 when the phone rang.

***

J's Brother: Oh good, you're still up.

Me: Oo. Kakauwi ko lang. I thought you weren't going to call tonight.

J's Brother: Sorry about that. J was insistent. Short lang naman daw. May sasabihin lang yata sa 'yo.

Me: Ok. No prob.

J's Brother: Salamat ha? Not just for taking the call tonight. For everything. I know I've been a bit of a jerk about all this, but I'm really grateful.

Me: Ok lang yan. You know I love J too.

J's Brother: Yeah. (a pause) Ok. Here she is.

J: Hello. (her voice sounds a little hoarse. i seem to detect a smile on the other end of the line. in my mind, all of a sudden, i picture the stairwell at the university i went to. there was a certain time of day that the sunlight would hit the top of the stairs making them look like they were slanting a little. the shadows they would cast would always be soft shades of blue-gray.)

Me: Hey. How are you feeling today? (i always start off with this question when we talk because i really don't know what else to say. i guess i'm just awkward that way. i mean, i never know how to keep conversations going. somehow, they just dwindle on me.)

J: I'm better. Much better. I still feel like the roof is going to cave in on me at any moment, but I've learned to live with it. No, I'm not paranoid. It's more of a physical feeling. Like everything above my neck has become so heavy. Hindi naman masakit. Just heavy. But I'm happier today.

Me: That's good to hear. (i pause to take a deep breath.) Sorry ha? Medyo lasing na ako. Hindi ko sinabi sa Manong mo. I'm fine naman. I can listen to you if you want to just talk. Sorry.

J: (a pause) That's ok. (she chuckles softly) I just wanted to tell you something lang naman. This is what I wanted to say: (another pause, as if she were composing the words in her head.) I'm very grateful for all the nights you take my calls. And I'm sorry that when I get upset at myself, I end up taking it out on you. I don't mean to do it. I know I could choose to act differently. I'm really trying. (she sighs.) I take it out on kuya too, and on everyone around me. I hate that I do that. I really do. Because I know it's not me. Not the me you knew back then, anyway. Not the me that I once knew. So I really want to work on getting better. (at this point, she starts crying again. i imagine her sitting by a window, a flock of birds flying past in the sky outside. i imagine gray clouds and the silhouettes of branches.) What I'm trying to say is, I know how much you've been patient with me. I know how much you care about me. And I know it must make you sad to hear me this way. So if there's anything you need to talk about, if there's ever anything you need to get off your chest, if you ever feel sad or alone, I'll listen to you too. I know that you have your own shit to deal with. I know you hide a lot of the things you feel from those around you. But you don't have to hide it from me. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere.

Me: (i pause for a beat, and take this in. here's a woman who has endured the kind of pain i will probably never experience in my lifetime. the kind that is senseless because it is senseless. the kind of sadness that is maddening because often you don't know where it stems from. i can't imagine it. i can only guess at how difficult it must be. here she is, offering to be my sounding board whenever i need one. my shoulder to cry on. my confidant. amazing. she's just so much stronger that she knows. i want to tell her this, i want to tell her that she's going to be ok, that she's already on her way to getting better, but i don't. i want to tell her all i've kept pent up inside me, but i don't.) Thank you. I know. I'm here for you too.

J: (her voice brightens up again.) My doctor says that if I make progress, I can probably take a trip later this year. I can go home for a visit. Can you believe it? It's something for me to hold on to. I really do want to see the rest of the family, and you, of course. Manong thinks it's a good idea, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up until it's definite. I don't care about that. It'll happen. I'll make sure I'll be better by then. It gives me something to work toward. You know what I mean?

Me: Yeah. That's great J! Sana nga makauwi ka.

J: Yeah. Ok. That's what I wanted to say. I'll talk to you in a few days then. Good night na. Matulog ka na. Before you sleep pala, uminom ka muna ng tubig. Baka magka-hangover ka.

Me: (i laugh.) Thanks. Yeah, I'll do that. Good night.

J: Good night.

***

She put the phone down after that. I kept the phone receiver to my ear for another minute or so. I just listened to the drone of the dial tone. The only thing repeating in my brain: J could be coming home. Oh God, what do I do? How do I tell her I love her.